Shutting Down: Conflict Avoidance

BERKELEY HEIGHTS, NJ: “I don't even know where to begin!”

I'm sure many parents and teachers have heard a struggling student exclaim something similar.

You are not alone.

Neither is your favorite student.

But that doesn't change the fact that, in that moment, both of you may feel very much alone.

What's worse is that your child or student has just shut down.

In my years of teaching kids and adults of all ages, I've found that a few key concepts often underlie this inability to move forward with a difficult task.

Two words in particular really pack a punch:

Trust and safety.

Children Need to Feel Safe Enough to Struggle

If a child doesn't trust the people around them, it becomes much more difficult to take the risks necessary for learning.

And learning requires risk.

You have to admit you don't know something.

You have to ask a question.

You have to attempt something you may not be able to do.

You have to make mistakes in front of other people.

That's vulnerable territory.

A child's concern may come from within:

“I'm worried people will think I'm dumb, uncoordinated or incapable.”

Or it may come from something they've experienced:

“The last time I raised my hand, everyone groaned or laughed at me."

“The teacher got frustrated because I didn't understand.”

The goal isn't to eliminate every uncomfortable feeling.

It's to create an environment where a student understands that struggling is allowed.

Why Do Some Children Avoid Trying?

When trying something creates enough embarrassment, anxiety or frustration, avoiding the task can begin to feel safer than attempting it.

So the child hides.

Avoids.

Procrastinates.

Or shuts down altogether.

The conflict hasn't disappeared.

They've simply found a way to avoid confronting it.

That's where a good teacher or parent can intervene.

Not by immediately solving the problem for the child, but by helping them understand what is preventing them from engaging with it.

Ask Questions Before Offering Answers

Sit down with your struggling student and ask a few questions.

Try not to guide them toward the answer you expect. Children are often very good at figuring out what adults want to hear.

Instead, ask:

1. Do you feel comfortable making mistakes in your learning environment?

2. Do you feel uncomfortable asking questions? If so, why?

3. When you're struggling, do you know what question to ask?

4. Do you know that I won't be angry with you because you're struggling or have questions?

5. Are you worried that your teacher or classmates will react badly if you don't understand something?

Then listen.

The answers aren't good or bad.

They're information.

And information helps us understand what problem we're actually trying to solve.

Sometimes “I Can't” Really Means “I'm Afraid to Try”

Often, a student isn't refusing to ask questions because nobody is willing to help.

They may simply be worried about what asking the question reveals.

Will everyone know I don't understand?

Am I the only person who doesn't get this?

What if I try and still can't do it?

That's where confidence becomes important.

Confidence doesn't mean knowing that you'll always have the right answer.

Sometimes confidence is simply being willing to say:

“I don't know how to do this yet.”

And then asking for help.

Children Naturally Gravitate Toward What They're Good At

Most of us enjoy doing things that make us feel competent.

If a child is doing well in math, there's a good chance math homework isn't the assignment mysteriously disappearing into the bottom of the backpack.

But if they're struggling badly with math?

Suddenly the homework doesn't make it home.

Or they “forgot” about it.

Or you discover it when it's too late to do anything about it.

Adults aren't particularly different.

We tend to move toward the things that make us feel capable and away from the things that expose our weaknesses.

Unfortunately, that's often where the learning is.

Teach Children to Become Their Own First Responder

This is where good parent and teacher intervention becomes so important.

If we want children to become successful and independent, we need to encourage them to become their own first responder in as many areas of life as possible.

That doesn't mean they have to solve every problem alone.

Quite the opposite.

It means learning to recognize:

I'm struggling.

I don't understand something.

I've tried and I'm stuck.

I need help.

And then having enough confidence to do something about it.

Having trouble tying your belt in karate class?

Know yourself well enough to ask for help.

Having trouble in school?

Ditto.

Having trouble preparing for the holidays?

Same thing.

Knowing when you need help isn't weakness.

And asking someone for help doesn't mean you've surrendered responsibility for the problem.

Sometimes asking for help is the first responsible thing you can do to solve it.

After all, that's what teachers, friends and family are for.