Do the Right Thing: How Do I Build Integrity in My Child?

BERKELEY HEIGHTS, NJ: One of my concerns about the way we sometimes approach bullying, conflict and childhood adversity is that we can become so focused on protecting children from problems that we forget they also need opportunities to learn how to solve them.

Bullying is real, and children should absolutely know when and how to seek help from a parent, teacher or another trusted adult. But not every disagreement is bullying, not every form of peer pressure is destructive and not every childhood problem requires an adult to immediately solve it.

Children also need opportunities to develop judgment.

And judgment is essential to integrity.

Integrity Means Learning to Do the Right Thing

Discussions about bullying have traditionally focused on several familiar roles: the child doing the bullying, the child being bullied and the children who witness it.

But what if there was another alternative?

What if the child witnessing a problem didn't simply stand by?

What if they became a leader?

Today, bullying-prevention programs sometimes call this person an “upstander”: someone who sees what is happening and chooses to safely intervene, interrupt the behavior, support the person being targeted or speak up.

I like that idea because leadership isn't simply about being the person in charge.

Sometimes leadership means recognizing that something isn't right and deciding to do something about it.

Children Need Opportunities to Solve Problems

The position of the leader is a difficult one to fulfill.

Leadership requires judgment. It requires understanding when to speak, when to act, when to follow and, just as importantly, when a situation is beyond your ability to safely handle yourself.

Children obviously need adults. There are situations involving bullying, threats, violence or serious safety concerns where getting an adult isn't avoiding responsibility.

It is the responsible decision.

But children also encounter countless smaller problems throughout childhood: disagreements with friends, hurt feelings, conflicting personalities, losing games, being left out, figuring out where they fit in a group and deciding what to do when everyone around them is making a poor decision.

If adults solve every one of those problems for them, when exactly do children learn how to solve problems themselves?

Integrity Requires Independent Thinking

Children used to spend considerably more time simply gathering in neighborhoods, playgrounds and backyards.

They organized games. They negotiated rules. They argued. They made up. They figured out how to get from one place to another and still be home in time for dinner.

They had opportunities to think for themselves.

Technology has given parents extraordinary ways to remain connected to their children, but constant connection can also make it tempting to constantly intervene.

Sometimes children need enough space to figure things out.

That doesn't mean abandoning them.

It means giving them age-appropriate opportunities to develop independence while knowing that an adult is there when the problem becomes too large, dangerous or complicated for them to handle safely.

When everyone around you thinks the same way and problem-solves the same way, how are you supposed to solve the one problem that none of you can solve?

Sometimes the answer is: find someone who thinks differently.

But how does a child learn to become that person if they never have an opportunity to question the group?

Integrity sometimes requires the confidence to say:

No.

I don't think that's right.

Maybe there's another way.

Leave them alone.

Let's do something different.

And sometimes:

We need an adult.

All of those decisions require judgment.

Doing the Right Thing When No One Is Watching

When we teach children that they are incapable of solving their own problems by solving all of their problems for them, childhood problems eventually become adult problems.

The whole point of being a kid is to experience some of the slings and arrows of childhood so that they may become strong, competent and resilient adults.

If children aren't allowed to experience life without constantly being refereed, then how will they learn how and when to do the right thing?

If the only time children do the right thing is when someone is watching them, do they really know what the right thing is?

Doing the right thing because you're afraid of getting caught isn't integrity.

Integrity is developing the judgment to recognize the right thing and the character to do it even when no one is there to make you.

Eventually, the referee has to leave the field.

Good Leaders Know When to Lead and When to Follow

Give kids enough opportunity to think and act for themselves and eventually someone will lead the group.

It won't always be the same person.

And it shouldn't be.

Sometimes the child who knows what to do should lead. Sometimes that child should recognize that someone else knows more and follow them.

Because good leaders don't simply know how to lead.

Good leaders know when to follow someone who knows how to do the right thing.

And how do you learn to recognize a good leader?

Sometimes by first experiencing what it feels like to be led by a bad one.