Freedom’s Constraint: How Do I Help My Child Build Healthy Boundaries?

(The 4th of a Series)

BERKELEY HEIGHTS, NJ: Where I last left off, I was discussing how holding myself accountable for the decisions I make and the actions I take will ultimately lead to a true life of freedom.

With an open and honest heart and mind, anyone can develop a solid set of habits that can help break the chains of self-doubt.

However, being free has its own kind of constraints.

Freedom Requires Self-Control

On the one hand, freedom gives people the opportunity to improve their lives and the lives of others. It gives us the ability to explore, create, take risks, make choices and pursue the things we believe are worthwhile.

On the other hand, freedom also gives us the ability to make choices that can hurt ourselves and the people around us.

Freedom doesn't automatically lead us toward what's good for us.

That's where self-control comes in.

Without some form of self-restraint, freedom can quickly become chaos. If we cannot trust ourselves to curb our lesser desires, then eventually we begin looking for someone else to do it for us.

In that sense, freedom requires an enormous amount of courage.

Sometimes the Greatest Threat Comes From Within

As the old adage states, "Beware of the enemy within.”

If I don't have the courage to recognize that I can be my own worst enemy, then I also don't have the courage to recognize my own culpability for the rights and wrongs within my immediate community.

Personal responsibility requires me to recognize something uncomfortable:

Sometimes I'm the problem.

Sometimes my impulses are wrong.

Sometimes what I want isn't what I need.

Sometimes the person who needs to change is me.

Freedom doesn't relieve me of that responsibility.

It increases it.

Healthy Boundaries Begin With Knowing Yourself

This is why I need to be clear about who I am and who I am not.

Otherwise, I won't be able to develop proper boundaries.

Boundaries are fundamental to building a healthy relationship with myself as well as with others.

If I don't know what I value, what I will accept, what I won't accept and where my responsibilities begin and end, then I'm leaving those decisions to someone else.

And if someone else is constantly deciding those things for me, how free am I?

Teaching Children Healthy Boundaries

Children need boundaries before they can eventually learn to create their own.

When they're young, many of those boundaries necessarily come from parents, teachers and other trusted adults.

But eventually, children need to understand why those boundaries exist.

They need to learn when to say yes.

They need to learn when to say no.

They need to understand the difference between cooperation and submission.

They need to recognize when another person's behavior is pulling them away from their own values.

And they need to learn that respecting someone else's boundaries doesn't require surrendering their own.

That's a difficult balancing act.

Which is precisely why it needs practice.

Healthy Relationships Require Balance

Nobody likes chaos because chaos is unpredictable, and unpredictability creates imbalance.

It's one reason the concept of balance is so revered across cultures, philosophies and relationships.

As an individual, I strive for balance.

Even when I'm faced with an imbalanced person or situation, I'm still striving for a balanced outcome despite the circumstances.

If I simply give in to the imbalance of others, then I'm no longer honoring myself.

Boundaries Protect Freedom

Honoring who I am requires me to be vigilant about my boundaries, or I become subject to the whims of others.

Giving up on who I am means buying into someone else's version of me.

But there's an important distinction between giving someone control and choosing to share control.

Choosing to give a trusted person some influence in my life can be an act of cooperation, not weakness.

I can listen.

I can compromise.

I can trust.

I can change my mind.

And I can do all of those things without surrendering responsibility for who I am.

That's the strange constraint of freedom.

To remain free, I have to know where my boundaries are.

And I have to possess enough self-control to honor them.