Lord of the WiFis: Attack of the Couch Slouch: How Do I Teach My Child Self-Regulation?

(The 1st of a Series)

BERKELEY HEIGHTS, NJ: We are bombarded by more information than previous generations could have imagined.

The speed at which information reaches us can create the illusion that we should also be able to accomplish more, understand more and respond faster than ever before.

Technology has changed remarkably quickly.

Human beings, not so much.

And somewhere between receiving information and actually processing it, we still have to decide what deserves our attention.

Our Technology Changed Faster Than We Did

I originally wrote a version of that opening several years ago while building the website for my business.

I came across it again while sorting through some of my older projects, and something occurred to me.

Sometimes something we said or wrote years ago, which may have seemed relatively inconsequential at the time, becomes considerably more meaningful when we encounter it again later.

This was one of those times.

When I grew up in the late 70s and 80s, video games were just getting started.

Even when Nintendo arrived and games like Punch-Out!! and The Legend of Zelda started consuming our attention, spending the entire day inside still wasn't particularly easy.

Eventually we'd had enough.

Or our parents had had enough.

And being told that sitting too close to the television would make us go blind was apparently more than enough medical evidence to send us outside.

Today, we carry those screens around with us.

They're in our pockets, beside our beds, at the dinner table and sometimes six inches from our faces.

The couch slouch has gone mobile.

Technology Isn't the Enemy

Video games, smartphones, social media and the Internet are tools.

And like most tools, what matters isn't simply whether we use them, but **how we use them and what they're replacing when we do.**

Technology can educate us.

It can entertain us.

It can connect us with people we love.

It can help us create things that wouldn't have been possible a generation ago.

The question isn't whether screens are good or bad.

The better question is:

Are we controlling the tool, or is the tool beginning to control our time?

The Real Problem Is Balance

Human beings have struggled with balance since time immemorial.

Technology simply gives us another place to practice it.

A child can spend an hour playing a video game and still have a day filled with movement, reading, schoolwork, family, friends and sleep.

Another child might allow the same activity to crowd those things out.

That's an important distinction.

Current guidance on children's digital media increasingly recognizes that screen use can't be judged by time alone. What children are doing, when they're doing it, who they're doing it with and what other activities are being displaced all matter.

So perhaps the goal shouldn't simply be raising children who use screens less.

It should be raising children who eventually learn to regulate their own use.

Set Boundaries Before Children Can Set Their Own

Children aren't born knowing how to manage their time.

That's our job first.

Limit access when necessary.

Everyone needs breaks from the things they enjoy, whether that's video games, entertainment or even a favorite activity.

Children also need opportunities to be bored, think, move, create and simply learn how to be comfortable in their own skin.

Boundaries don't have to mean punishment.

They can simply establish that one activity doesn't get to consume everything else.

Keep Devices Out of the Bedroom at Night

This recommendation from the original article has aged particularly well.

Bedrooms should be places where children can disconnect and sleep.

Current pediatric guidance recommends screen-free bedrooms and avoiding screen exposure around bedtime because digital media can interfere with sleep duration and quality.

Charging phones and other devices somewhere outside the bedroom creates a physical boundary that doesn't require a child to repeatedly exercise self-control while a device sits within arm's reach.

Sometimes good self-discipline begins with good organization.

Don't Just Restrict Technology. Participate in It.

Play video games with your kids.

Ask them what they're playing.

Let them teach you.

Understand what they enjoy about it.

You can even find ways to get everyone off the couch occasionally.

Miss the jump?

Five jumping jacks.

Lose the round?

A few squats.

Dad gets destroyed by his eight-year-old?

Perhaps Dad owes some burpees.

Suddenly, the intent isn't merely to “play the game.”

You're spending time together.

You're laughing.

You're moving.

And you're learning something about the digital world your child inhabits.

Joint media use with caregivers can also turn digital media into a more social, educational and connected experience.

The Goal Is Self-Regulation

Parents have to establish boundaries before children are capable of establishing those boundaries for themselves.

But the boundary isn't the final objective.

Self-regulation is.

Clear, positive and balanced boundaries can help children practice managing their time and attention while they're still young enough to have adults helping them.

Eventually, we're trying to move from:

“Put the phone away because I told you to.”

to:

“I know when it's time to put the phone away.”

That's a much bigger accomplishment.

Technology isn't going anywhere.

Neither are video games, smartphones, streaming, social media or whatever comes next.

So perhaps our job isn't to raise children who know how to live without technology.

It's to raise children who know how to live with it without allowing it to live their lives for them.