Mirror, Mirror: Will My Child Learn Teamwork at White Tiger Dojo?

(Part 5 of a Series)

BERKELEY HEIGHTS, NJ: I last left off with the idea that choosing to give someone else a degree of control can sometimes be an act of courage, trust and intelligence rather than recklessness or naivete.

When I'm in control of myself, I'm free to make choices based upon my beliefs and then evaluate the consequences through a realistic perspective.

But I've always found it useful to run those beliefs through two filters.

First, the mirror of self-reflection.

Then, the lens of someone I trust.

Because sometimes the person I trust sees something I don't.

A Good Student Is a Good Partner

This philosophy of self-reflection and guided trust is constantly present in my everyday life.

Take the dojo.

When you walk into White Tiger Dojo, you'll find four identical posters placed where students, friends and family can see them.

Among the guidelines you'll find this statement:

“A good student is a good partner.”

And its reflection:

“A good partner is a good student.”

Those two statements are more important than they might initially appear.

Learning martial arts requires another person to gradually give us something increasingly valuable:

Resistance.

But before they can safely resist us, we first have to learn how to trust each other.

Stage One: Cooperation

The first stage of learning a technique requires my partner and me to intellectually understand its fundamentals before we begin physically applying it to each other.

My partner needs to understand what I'm trying to accomplish so they can give me the feedback necessary to recognize and correct my mistakes.

At this stage, we're deliberately cooperating.

I'm learning one side of the technique.

My partner is learning the other.

We're communicating openly and honestly throughout the exchange.

It's similar to having a conversation with someone who is essentially saying:

“I understand what you're trying to tell me. Let me help you express it more clearly.”

Stage Two: Passive Resistance

Once we understand the basic technique, I ask my partner to become passively non-compliant.

Now things become a little less predictable.

My partner isn't actively trying to defeat what I'm doing, but they're no longer simply giving me the answer either.

I have to begin working out the imperfections in my technique using the feedback I've already received.

If the first stage resembles an agreeable conversation, this stage is more like someone asking:

“Are you sure? Explain that to me.”

Now I have to demonstrate that I actually understand what I'm doing.

Stage Three: Active Resistance

The third stage requires my partner to actively resist.

Now they will deliberately make the technique more difficult.

They'll challenge my timing, positioning, balance, understanding and ability to adapt.

The more I trust my partner, the more honestly I can test the technique against their resistance.

And the more my partner trusts me, the more honestly they can challenge me.

We're both jockeying for control of our own bodies while maintaining responsibility for each other's safety.

That tension gives us a much more accurate assessment of our abilities.

This stage is less like an agreeable conversation and more like a heated intellectual debate.

“I disagree. Show me why you're right."

Stage Four: Controlled Conflict

The final stage is the most realistic exchange two training partners can safely create within the boundaries of practice.

Both partners now have freedom to act and resist.

For example, each of us might attempt to execute the technique while simultaneously preventing the other person from doing the same.

Now we're dealing with unpredictability.

Timing.

Pressure.

Frustration.

Emotion.

Adaptation.

Control.

Things can get heated.

Emotions may leak out.

But the trust built during the previous stages creates the boundaries that allow us to explore that intensity without forgetting that the person across from us is still our partner.

That's the essence of being both a good student and a good partner.

Trust Allows Us to Challenge Each Other Honestly

Notice what's happened through these four stages.

My partner began by helping me.

Then questioning me.

Then resisting me.

Then actively challenging me.

And somehow, rather than weakening the relationship, that process can make it stronger.

Why?

Because neither person mistakes disagreement or resistance for betrayal.

We've built enough trust to challenge each other honestly.

That's an extraordinarily valuable relationship to have both inside and outside the dojo.

Martial Arts Lets Us Practice Conflict and Empathy

I've written previously about the “enemy within.”

If I don't understand my own ego, fear, anger and contribution to conflict, I'll never completely understand my own culpability when conflict occurs.

Knowing this and owning it can help me avoid conflicts that never needed to happen in the first place.

Stepping onto the mat and moving through these stages of what I sometimes think of as “conversational combat” gives me an opportunity to experience two sides of the same coin:

Conflict and empathy.

I learn what it's like to apply pressure.

I learn what it's like to receive it.

I learn when to resist.

I learn when to yield.

I learn when to take control.

And sometimes, most importantly, I learn when to trust someone else with it.

What Kind of Partner Do You Want to Be?

Trust and honesty are foundational elements of successful relationships.

The strongest martial relationships I've experienced aren't built because two people always agree or because one person always allows the other to succeed.

They're built because both people are willing to be honest enough to challenge each other and responsible enough to protect the relationship while doing it.

On the mat, we expose some of our most honest and vulnerable selves through physical exchange.

Eventually, I learned that becoming a better student required becoming a better partner.

And becoming a better partner required asking myself two questions:

What kind of partner do I want in my life?

And perhaps more importantly:

What kind of partner do I want to be?