Overcoming Overindulgence

BERKELEY HEIGHTS, NJ: One Christmas, a close friend and his wife purchased the newest Wii for their eight-year-old son.

As an adopted uncle, I frequented their house enough to be a part of some great family moments, and this was one of them.

It was a family learning how to deal with overindulgence.

Given that their son had a full week and a half free from school and a new Wii console, you can imagine the amount of time spent in front of the TV. Ordinarily, he was a voracious reader, but now he had developed a taste for pixel pie.

When Parents Recognize a Child Is Losing Self-Control

After a few days, my friends noticed his increasing inability to turn off the Wii without having a temper tantrum.

A monster seemed to be growing inside their child.

He was restless when he wasn't playing, exhausted after playing, not sleeping well, and ignoring other gifts, toys and books that he ordinarily would have enjoyed.

He also wasn't going outside to enjoy activities he normally liked, such as skiing, building snowmen or having a snowball fight with his friends.

Being astute, open and honest parents, they recognized their own role in allowing too much game time, too quickly, during one compressed period.

They rallied and came up with a plan.

First, They Acknowledged Their Own Mistake

They apologized to their son.

I think that's an important part of the story.

They didn't simply blame him for being unable to manage something they had suddenly given him nearly unlimited access to.

They explained what they had observed and why they were concerned.

The problem wasn't that he enjoyed playing the Wii.

The problem was that playing it had begun pushing aside many of the other things he normally enjoyed and affecting his ability to stop when it was time to stop.

So they decided to help him regain some balance.

Next, They Created Clear Boundaries Around Screen Time

Because he would be returning to school in a few days, they explained how media time would work going forward.

He would get thirty minutes of media time, whether computer, television or Wii, each day after school and an hour on Saturday and Sunday.

They placed a timer right on top of the television.

When media time was over, it sounded a tone everyone could hear.

There was no mystery about the boundary.

Everyone knew what the rule was and when the time was up.

Then They Gave Him an Opportunity to Earn More Independence

Lastly, they gave him an opportunity to negotiate for more media time as he demonstrated greater responsibility.

Consistency in completing homework.

Consistency in his grades.

Consistency in completing chores.

Consistency in his attitude.

And, perhaps most importantly, consistency in showing that he could control the balance between work time and play time.

The restriction wasn't simply punishment.

There was a path toward greater freedom.

Eventually, Their Son Learned to Negotiate for Himself

Less than a year after this episode, my friend shared a particularly proud moment in his son's development.

He told me:

“The other day he came up to me as if he were a lawyer ready to present a case.”

His son requested that his mother and father sit down and hear him out about his media time.

After dinner, they gathered for “the meeting.”

He made his case for an additional thirty minutes based upon his consistency in grades, behavior, homework and the other responsibilities they had established together.

His parents countered with five minutes.

He countered with fifteen.

They were so proud of his argument, his reasoning and, most importantly, his follow-through that they ultimately gave him the full additional thirty minutes on weekends, provided he wasn't playing a sport.

Think about the difference.

The same child who once threw a tantrum when asked to stop playing was now calmly sitting across from his parents, presenting evidence that he had earned greater responsibility.

The Goal Wasn't Control. It Was Self-Control.

It was an amazing thing for me to watch.

My friends had been organized, open and honest with their son, and the experience left quite an impression on me, even five years later.

They initially had to create the boundaries for him because he wasn't yet able to create those boundaries for himself.

But they didn't stop there.

They gave him an opportunity to demonstrate responsibility.

Then they listened when he believed he had earned greater freedom.

Imagine the pride they must have felt watching their child develop into a disciplined, logical negotiator after watching that same eight-year-old struggle so badly with controlling his behavior less than a year earlier.

Children can, will and do respond to proper and balanced guidance, even in difficult circumstances, when they're given the opportunity.

Sometimes we have to establish the boundaries for them first.

Hopefully, with time, guidance and practice, they learn how to establish those boundaries for themselves.