The Masks Of Approval

BERKELEY HEIGHTS, NJ: In our pursuit of happiness, it is natural to seek approval.

From our earliest days, we look toward our parents for an approving face as we scoot across the floor on our hands and knees.

Very little changes as we pass through school, enter the workforce and build long-lasting relationships.

We still look for approval.

The people simply change.

And every step of the way, we may find ourselves wearing a different "mask" of approval.

Why Do We Care So Much About Other People's Approval?

When people think of someone wearing a mask, they may think of someone being two-faced.

When someone close to us behaves one way around us and another way around someone else, it can challenge or even end the relationship.

Why would someone give two different messages?

Which message is the "right" one?

Which face should I trust?

Should I trust this person anymore?

Those are valid questions.

But there's another question worth asking:

What is the fear that's causing someone to put on the mask in the first place?

I think that fear is often connected to approval.

We want people to like us.

We want people to agree with us.

We don't want to disappoint anyone.

We don't want someone to think less of us.

And sometimes avoiding that moment of disapproval becomes more important than simply being honest.

Children Learn Early That the Truth Can Bring Disapproval

Look at young children.

A child may discover that telling the truth sometimes brings an unpleasant consequence.

"Did you break this?"

"No."

"Did you eat the cookie?"

"No."

"Did you hit your brother?"

"No."

Sometimes the evidence is practically still in their hands.

They're not necessarily developing an elaborate philosophy about dishonesty.

They may simply be discovering something very human:

The truth doesn't always produce the reaction we want.

If children struggle with that, why would adults be completely different?

We simply become better at creating more sophisticated masks.

Honest Relationships Sometimes Include Disappointment

It's impossible to have meaningful relationships completely devoid of unhappiness, disagreement or disapproval.

Friends disagree.

Spouses disappoint each other.

Parents disappoint children.

Children disappoint parents.

Coworkers disagree.

Teachers correct students.

Students sometimes disagree with teachers.

That's part of having relationships with actual human beings.

But rather than allowing a moment of disappointment or disapproval to pass naturally, sometimes we're tempted to put on a mask and let a little white lie slip out.

"Sorry, I can't get together with you this weekend. My wife has me doing chores all weekend."

Say that often enough and your friends may begin wondering what kind of tyrant you're married to.

Maybe the truth is simply:

"Sorry, I can't get together this weekend. I want to spend time with my family."

That's honest.

But now you've admitted that, on this particular weekend, you're prioritizing your family over your friends.

Oh, the humanity!

If they're really your friends, hopefully the relationship can survive it.

Seeking Constant Approval Can Make Us Less Authentic

Wearing a mask can protect us from a moment of disapproval.

But there's a cost.

One mask becomes another.

One little lie requires another explanation.

One version of ourselves appears around friends.

Another appears around coworkers.

Another around family.

Another online.

Eventually, we have to remember which mask goes with which outfit, circumstance, group or person.

That's exhausting.

And somewhere underneath all those different versions of ourselves is a pretty important question:

Which one is actually me?

Social Media Can Become Another Mask of Approval

Imagine if you could track down every mask you've ever worn in front of someone and lay them all out on a table.

What would they look like?

Would they resemble each other?

Would they resemble you?

Would one fit your Facebook profile?

Another your resume?

Another the person you become around certain friends?

There's nothing inherently dishonest about presenting different parts of ourselves in different situations.

I probably shouldn't behave exactly the same way at a funeral as I do with friends after class.

Context matters.

The problem begins when we're no longer adjusting our behavior appropriately to the situation and instead changing who we pretend to be because we're afraid the real answer won't receive approval.

Confidence Means Being Able to Tolerate Some Disapproval

Perhaps this is where confidence becomes important.

Confidence isn't believing everyone will approve of us.

That's impossible.

It isn't believing everyone will like our decisions.

They won't.

And it certainly isn't refusing to listen to criticism.

Sometimes criticism is exactly what we need.

Confidence is being secure enough to hear:

"I disagree."

"I'm disappointed."

"I don't like that decision."

without immediately believing:

"Then there must be something wrong with me."

That's an important distinction for children to learn too.

If every decision is made according to which one earns the most approval, eventually someone else is making our decisions for us.

Children Need to Learn the Difference Between Feedback and Approval

This doesn't mean teaching children not to care what anyone thinks.

That's the opposite extreme.

Other people's opinions can be incredibly valuable.

Parents provide guidance.

Teachers correct mistakes.

Friends sometimes see things about us that we can't see ourselves.

Good partners challenge us.

Mentors help us improve.

The skill is learning to distinguish between: feedback that helps us grow and approval we believe we need in order to feel good about ourselves.

Those aren't the same thing.

A child should be able to listen to correction without believing the correction defines them.

And eventually, they should be able to make a thoughtful decision even when that decision isn't the most popular one available.

Sometimes We Have to Take Off the Mask

Removing the mask can be difficult.

Sometimes it means admitting what we actually think.

Sometimes it means saying no.

Sometimes it means acknowledging a mistake.

Sometimes it means disappointing someone.

Sometimes it means accepting that another person may simply not agree with us.

But removing the mask can also be freeing.

There's less to remember.

Less backpedaling.

Less wondering which version of ourselves someone expects to see.

And perhaps more room for genuine relationships with people who know us on our good days and our bad ones.

The goal isn't to live without caring what anyone thinks of us.

It's to become secure enough in ourselves that we can listen to others without needing their approval to decide who we are.